I’m not a big Two And A Half Men fan- in fact I’ve never watched an entire episode until last night.  Morbid curiosity drew me in, as I was wondering how they would kill off the womanizing, drug-usin’, freerollin’ Charlie Sheen’s character, the womanizing, drug-usin’, freerollin’ Charlie Harper.

Well, I wasn’t disappointed.

The opening scene is the funeral. His grieving brother Maxwell (Jon Cryer, “Maxwell” is a guess) is saying a few words, but can barely finish a sentence before the angry mob of hot ladies chime in.  “My brother gave so much, to so many people...”  “Yeah, he gave me herpes.”  “... and me gonorrhea.”  “I got genital warts from him.”  Then another man chimed in about how much drug money he was owed, and who he should collect from.  When Maxwell suggested hiring a lawyer, then man said he’d rather keep the law out it.  Later, while grieving at home, Maxwell is visited by a slew of people, including John Stamos, who admits to a threesome that involved he and Charlie Harper as well as a female, which became a twosome after the female passed out.

Oh, and he died because he fell in front of a train, but it was insinuated that he was pushed by his girlfriend; hence no open casket at the service.  It was all funny stuff until the script went up in a puff the moment Charlie’s ashes were accidentally scattered across the living room floor.

Anyway, based on the post-mortem fleshing out of Charlie Harper’s character, is it not a stretch to think that maybe he was a positoid?  That somewhere along the way, during a decade of heavy partying and drug use, he contracted HIV?  Let’s rip this one from the headlines, since “AIDS monster!” stories are always popular in the media...

Maybe Charlie’s girlfriend went to donate blood, found out she was positive, went back to Charlie. “I don’t have HIV!”  “Well, have you ever been tested?”  “No- I use condoms when she says she won’t have sex without them...”  “Who is SHE?”  “Uh, wait baby, I didn’t mean-”  One shove later and Charlie Harper is splattered by a train.  If that sounds too dark for a sitcom, you must remember that a laugh track can sooth the seriousness of any situation.

Positively Yours,
Shawn