Have you ever had a stupid ass conversation in your head that led you to do something stupid that then lead you to justify your stupid shit? I know I have, a thousand times over. 


Like being mad at a man because of whatever it was that he did you didn’t like or maybe what he didn’t do that you thought he should have done. You play it over and over in your head and by the time you approach him, you have written a play with 3 Acts and before you know it’s something you never intended for it to be and now you gotta hold your guns whereby creating more of a mess and still have to justify that shit.


 I’ve come to learn in my old age, that sometimes when people don’t measure up to what we want at that very moment, it may not even be about us, but about them. Sometimes we need to get out of our head and just be still. Let it all play out in real time, not imagined time. The ego can do a job on you, for real, for real. 

 

Like, have you ever purchased something that you really didn’t have the money to do but you justified why you should buy it? I know I have twenty thousand times over. 


You tell yourself, it’s on sale or, it might not be here when my next paycheck comes around, or I need to look fabulous for that event. And let me add, the last of these might be the only truth, you do want to look fabulous for the event and the people there of, and none of it has to do with you. But your ego has convinced you that this outfit will make you the belle of the ball. And then at the end the ball, as you remove all the glam, you realize that the same people who liked you before the ball still do and those that didn’t well, still don’t. 

 

But now the damage has been done in the short time of what 2-3 hours because of what you thought would happen, but didn’t. 


At the end of the day you see how insignificant your new outfit was in the scheme of things. But you allowed your ego to talk you into spending what you really didn’t have to spend and now you’re stretching your dollars just to get to your next paycheck. Which means you’re stressed more than ever and now you talking about, “Lord when will things change for me?” But the real question is when will you change for yourself? 

 

When things get hard we give God credit for stuff that ain’t got nothing to do with Him. Free-will is a monster of a beast to manage. I know in my own life, I’ve allowed others to abuse me and I’ve abused myself in so many different ways willing my free-will like at a roulette table, taking a chance with each spin. And with each defeat, I lost a part of myself that could never be regained. Sometimes you even spin the wheel and your life is changed forever. 

 

Have you ever been mad at someone for something that they did to you in real time? But then long after it’s been said or done you are still holding on to the mad? And then the mad takes on a life of its on. Oprah said that once she was so mad at a person, for well over 10 years, and then she saw that person walking down Michigan Ave laughing and going on with her life, while Oprah was holding onto the mad. We allow our ego to hold us hostage for something that cannot be undone. All you can really do is move on because holding on will imprison your spirit. 

 

Our ego spends a lot of time convincing us of this and that in some narrow context that we make ourselves believe. When in real time ,we need to step back and watch the ego jump the hurdles in our head and after it has finished, say “oh ok” and keep it moving. You are not your ego and you don’t have to do everything it suggest to you. But you do have to become centered so that you can operate in the best of you. 

 

You can’t allow your ego on one end and your low self worth on the other, which is still ego in reality, run your life. You have got to be willing to walk away from some stuff and let that be ok. You don’t like how a man treats you, then stop participating. There are so many men in this world  that you don’t have to stay stuck with the one that does not value your worth. 


You don’t like being broke every pay period, then stop spending what you don’t have. Figure out a way to make what you have work. Look, in these recent years I’ve changed up my outfits over and over with just a new blouse, or shoes or handbag rather than a new suit, blouse, shoes and handbag.

 

You don’t like the hold others actions have on you, let it go. I recently had some craziness with my biological family, meaning the white side of my family, who I don’t have a relationship with. I’m not going into details here, I’m saving it for the memoir. I was so fucking hurt by there actions. But I had to decide, I could let them make me bitter or I can keep going. The first thing I thought to myself, “I’ve worked so fucking hard to get through this depression, I will not let them send me back.” I said it everyday out loud for two weeks and I said it to my closet friends, so that they could give me positive support. Sometimes friends can help to keep you in the chaos just by the direction of the conversation.  To not have a set-back, I knew that I had move to closure. So I signed their fucking document and kept it moving. Then I thought about it, they have done absolutely nothing for me in 52 years, why would I expect something now? People are who they are and you better believe that shit or you will allow them to hurt you over and again.

 

Sometimes the victory is just letting go of people, places and things. I’ve learned in these last years with my financial struggle that I didn’t need all the things that I thought I needed. Life has a way of making you take notice. After I had sold almost all my designer handbags and most of my St. John Knits, I learned that I still had enough to look great every single day. I always make it work. 

 

I heard a story about how they capture monkeys that gave me an ’aha moment’. They put rice into a trap and when the monkey smells the rice he reaches in and grabs the rice. The rice becomes the prison of his own making. But the monkey has a choice, he can let go of the rice and be free or hold on and be imprisoned. Over the years I’ve held onto a lot of people and things and they have been the prison of my own making. I stayed way too long in unhealthy relationships. I’ve bought more things that I ever should have and the biggest prison of all has been my family. I became an overachiever for my Mama who raised me, rather than myself. I thought that she would shower me with love as I excelled, but she never did, not even as she was dying. She died how she lived, most people do. 


All these prisons that I made for myself year after year. Allowing my ego to convince me that my thoughts were my reality, when in fact my reality was my right now. If a man treated me bad, it didn’t matter how well I sucked his dick, once I was done, he was the man he was before I began. It didn’t matter how many clothes I had from the best designers, those who would love me, would love me in Walmart clothes and most of all, dressing myself  up on the outside did not change what I was on the inside. That took work, of which no amount of money could buy. 


Only when I let go of the rice, did I start to live my best life. These day’s I practice watching my ego jump hurdles in my head and then say, “Oh Ok”  Sometimes, I win and sometimes I lose, but the more I practice, the better the person I am.