By Lauren Tuck (Editorial Assistant, POZ)

Last night, while the rest of the world was watching the Oscars, I was catching this week’s episode of Celebrity Apprentice. Now don’t get me wrong, Apprentice makes for some great entertainment, but it’s so much easier to spend a Sunday night staring at hunks like George Clooney and Brad Pitt than Aubrey O’Day’s blindingly burnt orange colored hair, Lou Ferrigno’s aging muscles and Dee Snider in drag.

Contestants this week were tasked with creating an original production of Medieval Times. I went to the dinner and tournament show when I was a kid. I remember sitting next to a glutton who was eating the biggest drumstick I had seen in my life. I was bored. The crowd, however, ate it up.

Lisa Lampanelli, representing Gay Men’s Health Crisis (GMHC), was project manager this week, meaning that she had the chance to win the NYC-based organization $40,000. I was impressed with the women’s play that mocked The Real Housewives of New Jersey--The Unreal Housewives of Camelot--and I predicted a Women’s Team victory. The concept was clever and seeing Theresa Giudice flip a table is always a treat. Unfortunately, Team Forte lost again and the Men’s Team took home the prize. The combination of Penn Gillette swallowing fire and Star Trek cutie George Takei is really unbeatable.

Victoria Gotti, Dayana Mendoza and Lampanelli were all put on the chopping block following their losing performance that was plagued with a bunch of nip slips and management issues among catty women. But, have no fear, Gotti’s bad attitude and poor spelling (she’s a published author, and she typed MEDIEVAL as MID-EVIL into Google) ultimately got her the boot.
 

My heart was pounding at the thought that either Mendoza or the Queen of Mean (as Lampanelli calls herself) could already be out of the race. Although Arsenio seems like he’ll be a top competitor, I think Mendoza has this one in the bag. Trump would never fire Mendoza. She’s too sexy.

Some of my favorite quotes of the night:

Lampanelli: “I’m on stage every night for an hour and a half by myself. I can do a freaking medieval show with a horse and a sword and seven other broads.”

Arsenio Hall (on the women in the board room): “You’ve got one girl that will kill you with her beauty and another that will kill you with her family.”

Trumpisms:
“Have you guys heard of Lady Godiva? She rode nude throughout the streets. I’ll be honest, Dayana, if you did that I don’t think the men would even do the chore. They’d give up.”

“You look very good tonight, Aubrey. I have to say. Do you mind if I say that? Was that sexist?”

On Snider’s fractured finger: “Don’t listen to the doctor; just let it heal.”

On Ferrigno: “The Incredible Hunk.”