The holiday season—that “festive” stretch between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day—can be a lot for anyone, especially following a divisive election season, but it can be especially fraught for people living with HIV and/or those who are LGBTQ. Conservative relatives, financial and time pressure and stress over who does or doesn’t know your HIV and/or LGBTQ status can sometimes render getting together with people more ordeal than delight.

“Often, my clients tell me that when they visit their biological family at the holidays, they turn into a younger version of themselves, who they were when they were living with their family, and they’re not quite able to come to these gatherings as their realized adult selves,” says Scott Rosenberg, LCSW-R, a New York City–based therapist and a long-term HIV survivor. “The anticipation of that creates so much anxiety that many people don’t even go to their families.” Formerly known as Scott Kramer, Rosenberg recently took on his husband’s last name.

On the flip side, those who are homebound and/or have few family members or friends might find this time of year lonelier and more depressing than usual. “Loneliness and isolation can be huge factors during the holidays,” says Rosenberg.

Of course, the holidays are joyous and gratifying times for many people, including those living with HIV. But for those who struggle during this season, here are some tips to help you cope.

The most important thing to remember is that you have options. You’re no longer a kid with no choice but to spend the day bored out of your mind at Aunt Sally’s. While what you tell people may take some finessing, you can do whatever you want. “If you decide you don’t have a certain holiday obligation in you this year, then plan a little trip or stay home instead,” says Rosenberg. “Tell people that you need to help a friend who just had surgery or whatever little white lie you need to tell.” There’s no better way to relieve event dread than to remind yourself that you’re not locked in. To paraphrase Beyoncé, you’re a grown person...you can do whatever you want!

Celebrate Friendsgiving, Friendsnukkah or Friendsmas instead. Many folks find comfort in spending key holidays—those days society says you’re supposed to spend with others—with their friends, or “chosen family,” rather than their biological family. Assuming your friends live nearby and your family doesn’t, this can also eliminate a lot of travel expense, time and stress. “I usually have my clients make a list on paper of the pros and cons of going to family versus friends,” says Rosenberg. “That really helps clarify the choice.”

But what if you really want to see biological family or feel like you should? Maybe you’ve decided that after three holiday seasons staying in town with friends, it’s time to see your “biofam,” despite the anxieties and hassles that may present. Rosenberg recommends setting up guardrails when you visit. “You can take a friend with you as a buffer, you can agree to talk or text throughout the day with a friend as a coping mechanism or you can make it clear in advance that you can only stop by for an hour or so—maybe for dessert.” You can even politely request in advance that politics aren’t discussed. If Uncle Hal insists on bringing it up, you can simply say, “I came today to catch up with family, not to discuss politics.” That should shut it down—and if it doesn’t, you’re free to walk away.

You don’t have to put your whole life out there for discussion. Even if you prioritize being out loud and proud about your LGBTQ and/or HIV status in the rest of your life, you don’t have to reveal, announce or otherwise mention those aspects of yourself with family—especially perhaps family you’re not particularly close to—if you don’t want to. 

On the other hand, notes Rosenberg, “you might feel strength or empowerment in bringing up aspects of your identity. Research shows that these are often teachable moments.” Just keep in mind that the response you get might not necessarily be the one you want, such as a relative abruptly changing the subject or wandering away when you bring up something having to do with LGBTQ and/or HIV. The point is: how much you reveal of yourself and your beliefs at holiday family meetups is up to you. 

What if you’re looking at being alone on a holiday? First, says Rosenberg, ask yourself how you really feel about it. If you think you’ll be fine with it, it’s perfectly OK to spend a holiday alone. (More on that later.) But if you feel a real yearning for company, reach out to friends, acquaintances or neighbors to see what they’re up to, offering (if you’re willing and able) to host them at your place or to bring food to—or help cook and clean up—at theirs. Or you can suggest you all go out to dinner or a movie or both. 

And if you don’t have folks you can spend the day with, see if your local AIDS services organization has anything planned, or go online and search “holiday gathering options” by city or region to see what’s available to you. Volunteering—such as helping serve a holiday meal at a nonprofit or charity—is a wonderful way to overcome your isolation on a holiday and experience a sense of purpose and connection to your community. And who knows what new friends you might make or interests you might cultivate?

Also, says Rosenberg, “Think about who else you know who might be alone—they might just want to talk on the phone.” If you feel truly alone and despairing, he reminds, you can always call a 24/7 hotline like Samaritans just to talk to someone. Also, there are myriad ways to connect online with other folks with HIV nationwide, such as The Reunion Project and Positive Women’s Network. If you connect with such groups in advance, they can be a great way to help you find other people living with HIV in your area that you might be able to get together with in person.

All that said, remember that it’s perfectly fine to be alone on a holiday. “There’s so much pressure we put on ourselves” to make a holiday a big deal, and “that’s really not fair to ourselves,” says Rosenberg, adding that you may simply want to cuddle up on your couch for the day and watch your favorite movies or TV shows, make yourself a nice meal, take a long bath, go for a run or to the gym—or simply not even get out of bed. “Do whatever you want to do that’ll make you feel good,” he says. After all, each holiday is basically only one day.

Whatever you do, be good to yourself. “We all know internally what is best for us, even if we don’t follow that inner voice,” says Rosenberg. The most important thing, he adds, is that, rather than go down a wormhole of depression, self-recrimination and other bad feelings over the holidays, “we have to treat ourselves with kindness, compassion and love.” Perhaps even more so than usual because this is the time of year when we are most vulnerable to cultural ideas about what we should be doing, which isn’t necessarily the same thing as what’s most nurturing.

So if you’re looking forward to the holidays, great! But if you’re not, just remember that January is right around the bend! 


Scott Rosenberg is also involved with Positive Alliance, a New York City–based social and support group (including holiday events) that is primarily for gay and bi men living with HIV, but welcomes anyone.