Lipan, Texas
Positive since 2010
 
A couple of months after I turned 19, I met a man who I fell in love with and eventually had a child with. It was quite a rocky relationship fueled by alcohol, pills and cocaine and we beat the hell out of each other. He was moody, snappy and always sick with one thing or another. He would spit blood into the trashcan and not try to hide it. He would say rude things to me like my ex’s had AIDS and I probably did too.

When I was a couple of months pregnant, he kicked me. I left him so he couldn’t hurt me or my baby anymore.

I got prenatal care when I was five months pregnant. I hadn’t done so earlier because my ex had said that I would be fine without it. He had brainwashed me into believing him.

The doctor did routine testing for gestational diabetes and HIV. A few days later, he called me into his office and told me I had HIV. He said he could no longer care for me and got up and left the room.

I told my ex to get tested. He claimed he did, and the results had come back negative. He even said he took a second test, which he said was negative as well.

But my gut told me I got HIV from him. While together, we had unprotected sex several times. After one encounter, the lymph nodes in my groin swelled up to the size of ping-pong balls and I had a serious flu-like cold.

A few months later, my baby was born ten weeks premature and was HIV positive.

Years later, another woman contacted me and disclosed that she also had HIV and was absolutely positive (no pun intended) it was from him. He broke down to her and said he had been tested in early 2008 but never received the results. She got him to seek medical help. At the time, his T cell count was 30. He also had syphilis, which caused him to go blind in one eye.

In September 2012, we pressed charges against him but no one knew how to handle the case. We fought for nearly a year and eventually the paperwork fell into the hands of a very caring assistant district attorney who helped us prepare the case.

When my ex found out he could be facing prison time for transmitting HIV if the case against him went to trial, he committed suicide.

Now I’m HIV positive, my 3-year-old daughter is positive and her father is dead. I have no choice but to be strong. I have no choice but to be strong. I hate the HIV-related stigma that exists today. It’s not like you will get HIV from hugging or talking to me. I have social anxiety issues along with depression, anxiety and PTSD.

One day I hope to find the strength to put all of this behind me and be okay with it. I have my ups and downs but it still hurts that I was lied to, because to him I wasn’t worth the truth. And that stabs me through the back, ribs and heart.

What three adjectives best describe you?
Quiet, photography enthusiast, nature lover

What is your greatest achievement?
Becoming undetectable after almost three years of treatment

What is your greatest regret?
Not taking care of my sexual health and getting tested earlier

What keeps you up at night?
I regret the hell I put my child’s father through. If he were still alive, I would forgive him for infecting me in the hopes that he might want a relationship with his child.

If you could change one thing about living with HIV, what would it be?
I feel like a prisoner to my state-funded insurance. I can’t have a job that brings more than $156 a month. I would love to be able to have a real job and be able to afford the costly meds.

What is the best advice you ever received?
“You’ve got it. It’s not going anywhere. So let’s laugh and not let it get us down.”

What person in the HIV/AIDS community do you most admire?
The coordinators of the Dallas AIDS Arms LifeWalk because they make me feel normal. On the day of the walk, the LGBT and HIV/AIDS community join together as one for a day of food, drinks, fun and walking.

What drives you to do what you do?
My little angel, Elin. She will have struggles as she gets older and I will fight her battles when they come.

What is your motto?
Stay positive.

If you had to evacuate your house immediately, what is the one thing you would grab on the way out?
My computer. It has a million pictures on it and I like to look back them when I miss “the good old days.”

If you could be any animal, what would you be? And why?
I would be a bird. I would soar wherever my heart desired on those days I just want to disappear.